and it breaks my heart...

i remember 8 years ago when i was in sec 4, art fadzil came down to my school to conduct a songwriting clinic. but i got to know of it too late and i was quite bummed that i missed it. but the person who brought him in was my teacher. and she said she could pass me his email.

i had written a few songs by then and i was quite excited to know that i could get in contact with him. so i had written these 2 malay songs right after a breakup. i thought they were quite good. haha! at the time i never really saw a future in music. i thought i'd just study and be an engineer or something. but i wanted his opinion on my songs. i had no expectations whatsoever. he's someone i look up to and i wanted to know his thoughts.

and so i sent him the songs. and he replied!!! he said that my songs had an indonesian feel to them and that i should never stop writing. "it's a noble thing" he said. it was really sort of like a bigger brother handing down some advice. he was encouraging in every way and gave me some links to music and copyright websites. i thought that was really cool of him.

i took his advice and never stopped writing. and now 8 years later, i find my name right underneath his in a promotional poster for Kaki5 Folk Akustika.

i can't help but feel grateful for the opportunity and wonder what the 8-years-ago me would've thought of this. i won't say that i've come a long way. because there's still so much to do.

but what i do know is that i'm headed in the right direction.

i'm getting there. insya'Allah.


Two nights of Malay Folk Music. At Esplanade Concourse. Admission is free Wednesday 22nd Oct. 08 7.15pm - 8.45pm Art Fazil Yunos Erksan Rowell Sakti
Thursday 23rd Oct. 08 7.15pm - 8.45pm Banjir Bromo Adha Tengku Adil


be there for some musical magic. :)

i felt that i didn't really have a good ramadhan. sure i fasted. but that's not even close to what ramadhan is all about. my mind was mostly on schoolwork and other worldly things. time zoomed by and it was raya before i knew it...

but somehow... something happened...

on the morning of raya, my mind felt clear. my heart felt clear. i felt so light and it felt like i finally understood something... i just don't know what that something is.

i still feel the same way now. in a way, i almost feel like a new person. i feel so contented... but i don't know what i'm contented about.

could it be that i've stopped stressing about my album because i've decided to do something about it?

could it be that i know exactly what i need to do for my school work?

could it be that i'm simply just happy and thankful for all my blessings?

could it be everything?

maybe... maybe not...

i think this syawal has not just cleared my mind, but it has also opened my heart. i feel at peace but still with a sense of purpose. i feel less burdened but i'm aiming for big things.

the israk mikraj comes in many different ways to different people. i feel this is one of mine. this could be my miracle of the holy month of ramadhan. Alhamdulillah.

i've always felt the need to be by myself from time to time.

just time to be away from it all so i can hear myself. so i can breathe. so i can learn.

a lot of people don't understand why. how could you be alone?

i have a lot of friends and i'm hardly the anti-social type. and sometimes they ask me out and i let them down. they may think that i'm snobbish or simply un-fun. and quite frankly half the time i let them down, i actually had work to do. the other half is just me being home.

i like being home. it's not because i lock myself up in my room or anything like that. i actually like it. i'll walk around the house, talk to my parents, read something, hog the computer, play guitar. when i have the inspiration, i write. i find that my mind is most clear when i'm home. i have the freedom to either do my work or zone out. and i have the freedom to enjoy a quiet day at home or go out and meet friends.

whereas when i'm outside... there's a lot of stuff to think about. like when am i going home. haha! or how do i get home. or how to diffuse this situation. or how to get rid of this annoying person. or how to seem really cool when you're actually an idiot. or where to go next.

most people embrace these distractions and it may actually help them escape from whatever troubles they might have. maybe i'm not a very troubled person. heh... and i find my peace and quiet at home. or maybe i think too much and i like being home because i can do a lot of that. when i'm outside, i have to constantly think about what's going on around me. and the grandiouse questions of life in my head don't get answered.

of course, i love my friends. it's always fun. but sometimes i just need to take a step back you know? and ponder the mysteries of the universe. heh... i enjoy meeting new people and you may know some people very well... but how well do you actually know yourself? and if you don't know yourself, how can you know anything else in this world?

a counterpoint to all this is my love for travelling. i'm not talking about pasir ris to yew tee. i'm talking about the world. being in a different country is a different experience altogether and most of the time it can be a humbling experience. this is when being out of the house marries with getting to know yourself. because you are taken out of your comfort zone and seeing how people are the same species but so different in many ways. singaporeans need to travel more! ESPECIALLY SINGAPOREANS. i've made it a point to bring my family around the world... urmm.. when i have one of course... and if i have money... HAHA

so you see... sometimes i just like being at home. it's not because i'm snobbish or because i'm lazy...

i'm just searching for whatever it is i may be looking for

i'm just a teardrop in the sea

current state of well-being:

1. School; collaborations with 2 dancers, song-arranging assignment and dissertation project

2. Reading; Recording The Beatles

3. Sonofa; rehearsals this week and performance this weekend

4. Album; airplay is at a standstill but support is gathering. looking forward to the esplanade performance next month

5. recording and mixing mr wrapper

6. tries to make as much time for family and friends


so amidst all this... here i am sitting down and blogging on my laptop... i have half a mind to play a computer game since it's 2 more hours til i have to get ready for class. but what happens most of the time is that i don't feel like doing work and i wanna play a game. but i'd think and think about it for a long while then i decide not to because i'd feel guilty since i actually have work to do. work which i don't feel like doing.

so in the end... i end up doing nothing...

but oh yea... i blog...

;p

sometimes i wonder about the kind of guy i am and the kind of girl i'd end up with. i'm 24. i'll be finishing school in a year and i have no idea what i'll do after that.

teach? unexciting

open a studio? i need money

be a full-time musician? maybe if i weren't staying in singapore

so i just realised that i've digressed from my opening sentence. ANYWAYS

a lot of times i wonder about how people see me. i think everyone does. it's only human nature. but maybe i'm starting to wonder more about how the opposite sex sees me. i was reading this sentence about a guy being described as 'magnetic'. i think that's a nice way to be described. not exactly straight-out sexually attractive or george clooney charming but just... magnetic.

so some guys are just charming and can make you fall head over heels. but i wouldn't call that magnetic.

and some guys have a way of getting attention. but if you have to actually do something, then that's not magnetic either.

girls can be magnetic as well. but in my lifetime i think i've only come across 3 or 4 magnetic girls. ok it's starting to sound funny. haha... but yea... i think it's not easy to come by.

it's closer to... being a warm person. and when you're warm and people talk to you and they like talking to you. and it's not a flirting or sexual thing. you just have a glow because you're who you are. you're sincere. and people can see that without really thinking about it. they just start talking and talking. and you can talk about anything even though you've just met.

if my ramblings made any sense at all... you'd have a rough idea of what magnetic is.

what a nice way to be described.... magnetic...

i'd like to meet someone magnetic...

crap...

as i handed the master cd to my manager, i felt a certain kind of lightness that was almost liberating. all the sweat and hard work and obstacles... all culminated in a thin piece of plastic waiting to be duplicated a thousand times and hopefully be played in households across the country.

the album has been 3 years in the making and really only took flight a year ago. i was overlooking and organising all angles of the album. the production, the promo, the album design and of course, the songs. i have grown insensitive to my songs. i listened to them day in and day out to get it right. it's a very sad thing for a songwriter to feel this way about his songs. but it was a choice i made because only i knew the exact sound i wanted for the songs and i could spend all my time finding it and perfecting it without worrying about studio time. i'll take a break from them until the first duplication is out.

but i am happy. at the end of the day, even if the album doesn't quite take off, i have something that i can truly call my own and something i can be proud of. no regrets whatsoever.

everything happened for a reason. all the letdowns at reality tv contests, all the empty words spoken and all the people i've met along the way. it all pushed me to do this album on my own. Alhamdulillah.

i am happy.

just a lil more...

i just watched Definitely, Maybe. and i actuali like it! i feel so warm and fuzzy right now. HAHA. i should've known that April was the one. at one point she said the movie's title. so of course it's her! heh... i think it's quite cool. like i actuali felt for them. ISLA FISHER IS HOTT!! ok ok hormones aside, the 2 leads had good chemistry.

aaaaanyways i'm having a problem with one of my songs. so what's a better way to wind down than to watch a commercial hollywood romantic comedy... which didn't end up all that bad. heh...

OH! now i feel lonely. maybe one day my daughter will encourage me to confess to my true love... who is not her mom... that's kinda screwed up if u think about it. BUT HEY, it' hollywoood. heh...

gimme gimme back my drum sound

i think God speaks to you in many ways

sometimes and oftentimes mysteriously and subtly

sometimes quite clearly

and sometimes when you think your talent is shit, the next day a whole bunch of people on the internet come up to you to tell you that they like your song.

thank You

your manager says you need better songs....

your good friend says your sound is raw and that your song is just a "passing song" on the radio and nothing special...

as much as i try not to be affected, i am.

so am i supposed to succumb to commercial pressures or believe in my music and just do my thing?

i just feel so torn and depressed. i was thinking maybe i could make a difference in the local music scene. but now i think maybe i'll just be another guy who wanted to be something but never quite got there.

the opinions of these people matter greatly to me. if they already feel this way about my songs, then i seriously don't know why i'm even trying. why i'm even trying not to be a product or why i'm even trying to give listeners something different. the album might just end up being a vanity project.

i am doing everything on my own and sometimes i just feel like giving up.

maybe you're not such a great songwriter after all...

some people handle fame with grace. others, not so much...

sometimes you need to take a step back and see what you are. see what you've become.

never forget who you are. sure you can have fun and 'enjoy life' but there are lines that shouldn't be crossed.

always be humble. you are a person before you're a celebrity. for me, i am also a son, a brother and a friend before that.

i am sad and disappointed

why is that on the day i decide to wanna post a big fat entry on my music blog, multiply has to do friggin' maintenance??!!!! MEKH to multiply. i am effectively malas-ed.

but it's ok mr blogspot here hasn't let me down yet. always available for me to complain about other blog sites. heh...

so i've been really busy the past 2 weeks. mostly with Sonofa and gigs. what is that? what the heck is Sonofa u ask? WELL I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.

Sonofa is a live band that plays dance music. like how a DJ normally spins at clubs from his console or laptop. but see here. now it's a band playing techno, house and drum&bass. it's the first of its kind in sunny singapore and i'm so excited to be part of it. there's 9 of us in Sonofa. 8 musicians and 1 video deejay. so we'll have visuals accompanying the music we play. relli cool stuff. i'm playing synths from my laptop.

we'll be performing at the esplanade as part of the Flip Side festival on 20th June. keep a lookout!!!

on another note, i've played for 2 gigs the past 2 weeks for my own songs. i'm relli glad bcos i've been getting gd response. very thankful. airplay will start in june!!! WOOOOHOOOOO!!! and i was recently back in the studio to record a new song. i'm excited about the new song!! MUAHAHAHAHA. i'm such an easily excited person.

but yea... after taking a breather after exams and stuff, i'm ready to take over the world now. i'm in cahoots with pinky and the brain. NORF!!

watch out world

"true soulmates are but one soul dwelling in two bodies"

i read that from a book a long long time ago. i think i might've gotten a bit of it wrong but urrmmm.. sounds just about right eyyy.

i've been pondering... about the person i'm destined to spend my life with.

whose identity i do not know yet. heh...

i know i'm 24 but i really haven't even begun to think about settling down. there's still so much to do.

but deep down inside of me is a hopeless romantic. and also someone who wants to raise a family someday. my vision of life in 10 years' time: a wonderful wife, kids i can dote on, a nice home and of course a stable income. sounds simple enough? it is soooooo the opposite. starting with this.

so where is my soulmate?

so how do you know if this person is someone you're gonna spend the rest of your life with?

i mean like do you try hard to make it work? but if you're soulmates, then shouldn't everything flow nicely?

ok i may sound ridiculous but i'm sure some of you have had these ridiculous thoughts too. but that's only the surface. the truth is...

i would like to be in love with one person for the rest of my life.

i find so much comfort knowing that there is someone out there for me. i just don't know who or maybe probably haven't even met her yet.

i'm not being selfish. i know of heartache.

but i know all the heartache would be worth it if it leads me to her.

Hello soulmate. My name is Adil. i hope to know of your name someday. i'm sure it would be beautiful. please take care of yourself. get enough rest and drink lots of water. i hope i will have enough money to bring you on a nice honeymoon and get a nice house. and also a nice big tv. or we could have a nice kitchen instead if you want. i think i have a bit of OCD but i will try to curb them if it annoys you. and i'm sorry if i'm blur and zone out at times. but i know that i will love you, and you will love me.

Your soulmate
Adil

recently i've been thinking of people. however it is that they act or watever it is that they say. it may or may not be important. and sometimes you choose to try to ignore these things but it lingers at the back of your mind. and if a few people have said it, then it becomes a linger with an echo. and you try not to be affected by it but you can't.

so do the people around you define who you are?

it should be that YOU define who you are. but the reality is that everyone wants to be liked or noticed. and so this is the thin line where if crossed, you'll start believing what people say and that becomes you. some people bask in it and some people are disgusted. it's really how you handle it. if you're strong enough and you know yourself well, then there is nothing to be worried about.

the people whose opinions should matter are your family, true friends and God. ok so technically God isn't a person and He doesn't literally say things to you. but if you listen hard enough, you just might.

i believe in my friends and the people i know. and i know that they believe in me.

i may not be a pious person or the best kind of person. but i know myself. i am aware of the things i do. i don't know why but oftentimes i feel a kind of heavy burden. that perhaps i am not doing enough. or maybe i'm being too hard on myself.

you can hear what people may say. but you should only listen to yourself.

have faith in yourself. for i have faith in you.

my thoughts are a mess.

let me untangle them.

ok i'm gonna tell u ppl something that i do sometimes and it may seem narcissistic but i don't do it to gloat. i do it to find out what ppl say abt me or my music.

ok here it is...

ready...

set...



i google my name


ok now u know me a bit better. HAHA.

hey if i could be more of a musician and less of a public figure then i would. but these two go hand in hand if u want ur music to be heard. the least i could do is work on my musicianship... in hiding... heh...

sooooo aaaanyways... while traversing the world wide web, i stumbled upon my primary schmate's blog. she had a post about the times in primary sch and i was really amazed at her thoughts. and also the fact that she remembered sooo many things that i cannot remember. even the ones abt me. and i can't believe that she thought the way she did when she was that young. i must've been like a caveman in her eyes. haha!

but seriously.... well... it could be e whole puberty thing.. like girls maturing faster than guys. seems like e right age too. like 11-12.

and she went on abt how e guys always bullied e girls. and i felt depressed right there and then. like e girls were apparently really affected by it. :( hmmm... i guess i was annoying. but i didn't know better. i think between 10-13 for guys is like e age of confusion. like halfway through, u don't know whether u're teasing or flirting. and you think u've gotten weird so you tease girls even more to feel secure about yourself. plus u're cool if u could annoy girls.

so like after 13 or so then u find out that it's actuali ok to flirt and like girls. and then can SOUND STEADY.

AAAAAAAHAAHAHHAHAA

k anyways.

so yea.. i think for my friend, that was her period of growth. urrrmmm... no pun on e period yea. so mayb she remembers things more vividly. that time came like at 15 for me i think. and when i think about it, i go like "what the hell was i thinking??" haha...

i remembered in pri 5, i'd walk up and down the class the way ace ventura walked. and i'd make faces and voices. and i'd think i was funny. when in actuality all i was was an annoying kid. haha... and when i transfered to another pri sch i remember feeling bummed bcos e guys n girls were starting to like each other in my former sch. and on my first day at the new sch, a group of girls wanted to meet me during recess. i thought they wanted to beat me up. HAHA. i was e onli one wearing blue in the sea of beige and i hated it.

but yea... i think things happen for a reason. i wasn't doing too well in my studies. it got a lot better after i transfered. and like i got to go for two primary sch camps. haha!

i remember a certain teacher calling me a dreamer in class...

some things never change... :)

urmmm i deleted my previous post.. bcos urmmm.. i din like it when i read it again later. HAHA! anyways i was trying to work on my animation and i hav no inspiration or motivation watsoever. so i tot i'd do a bit of blogging and then try to get back into it.

just to summarise my deleted post.. well basically my car broke down. like e battery died. haha... i was sending 2 of my frens home. one MARIAM and one BECCA. these 2 girls were supposed to have a SLEEPOVER. but lo and behold... they din. haha... mariam broke my car by e way. she teased the clutch and gear stick and so my car decided not to work after that. but she smart. she made e car break down after i dropped her off. haha... e car broke down in sengkang, at becca's blk but luckily my sister lives nearby and my bro-in-law came to jump start e car. so it was an interesting nite. i kept laughing at e situation. becca was nice enuf to wait it out wif me. thank u! mariam was nice enuf to take credit for breaking e car. haha! but it's ok mariam! e car din break down yest! ;p

so yea... God looks out for you in e most unexpected of ways. Thank You.

yesterday i checked out this band from sch playing at e esplanade. The London Fog. i'm quite impressed. they've got gd writing and melody. AND I REALLY WANTED TO GET UP ON STAGE AND PLAAAAAYYYY!!!! haha.. i hope i get to perform at e esplanade one day. insya'Allah

i play in a guitarless and drumless metal band called THE MARIAMS.

i'm sorry... i ended up driving btw.. had to do some errands...

recently i've been listening to a lot of indo songs. well generally malaysia's Era station. it' s my research!! i normally listen to english stations when i'm driving but i've made it a point to listen to Era instead so i wun be a blur cock when it comes to current malay songs. and also to be familiar with e artistes.

OH U NOE E DONATION THINGY THAT I WAS TALKING ABT IN MY RECENT POST?! TURNS OUT THE PEN WASN'T FOR CHARITY!!!! it's for some business shit. WWAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! i just read the packaging. wasted 2 bucks on a dodgy person n it wasn't even for a gd cause.

i relli shld pay more attention b4 trying to get rid of ppl... :/

i haf a photoshoot tmrw n somehow i'm not relli feeling excited or anything. i think it's bcos my head is filled wif thoughts of yet-to-be-done assignments. bleargh...

yesterday at pasir ris mrt, there was this malay guy who was selling pens for charity. normally nobody would bother me bcos i'd hav my earphones on. but as i walked past him, i could see his eyes following me. then he came up in front of me and said ," awak tengku adil kan? yang main guitar? that time i was at the show wif imran ajmain." i just smiled n said yes. THEN he asked me to buy one of his pens. i asked which charity is it for but he mumbled and looked at me weird. i relli couldn't be bothered to layan him so i just whipped out 2 bucks n took e pen. he asked whether he could hav my number but i was like "urrmmm i'm sorry."

i'm telling u, this guy looked relli dodgy. he's a malay guy doing 'charity work' n he has a stud on his ear. that's relli not e way to carry urself when u want ppl to make a donation. n he prolly knew that he looked dodgy bcos he din try asking for my email or anything after i turned him down. n he said he was doing it part time. OY!

dun get e wrong idea, i'm all up for donations n stuff but pls look appropriate when u're doing ur job. you are a representative n the first thing ppl see is e way u look.

and if u're ashamed n say u're onli doing this part time, then dun bloody do it.

welcome to Port Royal Mr Smith....

i dun believe i remember being sooooo sleepy during lessons this semester. haha... super mendak nak mampos.

it's nice talking to ppl from ur earlier yrs. it almost feels like u've time travelled. back to e days when u were carefree n u wonder who u'd bump into during recess. haha... some ppl u din relli talk to back then but u've become friends now. but for me i think i hardly kept in contact wif frens from my sec sch. i guess deep down inside i felt tt i din relli belong.

i used to contemplate e person i was. but not anymore.

i like the person i am.

did it happen again

u're prolly wondering wat's that on my title. it's how my niece says piano. haha... crap.. now i miss her..

i've got Acha's Sampai Menutup Mata on repeat.... on youtube! haha... i dun haf e mp3. :(

i wish i could play piano better so i could write a piano song like that.

Top 5 Piano Songs

1. Menghitung Hari - Kris Dayanti
2. Tak Mungkin Ku Melepasmu- Dygta feat Andina
3. Aku Bukan Untukmu - Rossa
4. Sampai Menutup Mata - Acha
5. ...... (scratches head)

urmmm i don't hav a fifth one yet. haha...

Horton is kelakar sak... i loike. it's very goofy n e animation is relli gd. not ur typical dreamworks or pixar movie. it's from a new player called Blue Sky Studios. i think they succeeded in bringing out e wackiness from e dr seuss series. go catch it if u hav time n money to spare. money particularly since they've raised e prices for movies. WHAT THE HECK SIA.

like e price of everything is going up. e onli things tt aren't going up r salaries n my height. but i love catching movies. i think i'll survive a 50 cent price hike. heh...

SINGAPOREANS NEED TO BE MORE FRIENDLY AND HELPFUL. today in e lift at e building where i parked my car were 4 ppl. 2 local chinese dudes, a china dude and myself. i know e dude's not local bcos his RRRRRRR super pekat n he speaks loudly. i was wif one chinese dude first then e china guy n e other dude came in. e china guy was pushing a heavy trolley and e chinese dude din even bother to press 'door open' even tho he was so near e buttons. n then all e chinese guys started talking to each other n i was like "they know each other?!!" he couldn't even help a friend. then when they were getting off, e 2 local guys quickly scurried out so i held e door for e china dude. he smiled n said "KAM SIAK" very loudly. i just smiled bcos my chinese dialect is cannot make it. heh...

so what's going on here?? it's everywhere i tell u. ur hdb lift, the mrt, buses, your fav 7-11. singaporeans are often unthoughtful and selfish. i've been to so many places in the world and singapore is seriously the most unfriendly place on the face of the earth. it relli doesn't take much to smile or hold the lift or stand behind the yellow line to wait for ppl to get off e train. think ppl. before u donate ur money to watever charity on tv, try to be a helpful n gracious person first.

smile. you might've just turned someone's day around. :)

where'd you go?

today at the mrt, i saw an mrt personnel talking to a guy who was kinda awkwardly dressed. it looked like the guy was writing something down and the first thought that came to my head was that his particulars were being taken down mayb bcos of some random stepped-up security thingy. as i approached closer, i saw that the guy was actuali pointing about on a brochure that had a map...... he's a tourist!

new template. i loike. the left page is the latest entry. the bottom's for previous entries. muahaha

it's been awhile since i've been here... i noe e template sucks. i'll get to it. right now, i just feel... heavy. mine's a weird place to be in right now. i shld be happy n excited that my music's gonna be heard. i am. but i am also scared. i am afraid of failure. bcos if e world does not accept my music, then it does not accept me. bcos my songs are all me. yeah it sounds kinda exagerrated but it feels tt way to me. in e end, everyone just wants to be accepted.

test test... OPEN FOR BUSINESS